Why love hurts (2)

(Note: this is part 2 of my post) 

How do we avoid pain? First, we have to understand what true love is. Understanding love is not easy. It takes faith, maturity and acceptance. It took me 34 years to finally understand what love is. Because true love is not what most of us think it is. When you fall in love, you fall in love without expecting too much that you will be loved back in a manner that you want it to be. When we expect something from the other person, that is not love but ego. Ego confuses us so we wouldn’t see what true love is. 

Ego makes us crave, thus there is lust and the need for physical attachment. We think that there is no love without the other person. When your love is anchored externally, you’ll lose control of it and pain sets in. Every time you feel pain, it means you are holding on to your ego. So let go of ego and you’ll feel true love.  Does this mean that when we have true love, we will not feel pain? No. We will feel pain but this pain is called compassionate pain. It is a kind of pain that has no roots, no clinging, no attachment. It is like seeing a young child crying because she spilled her ice cream on the floor. We feel for the child. Some of us may buy her another ice cream. But once we reach home or office, we forgot about the child and we go back doing our daily chores.

Second, everything in this world is changing. A tadpole becomes a frog. A seed becomes a tree. A baby becomes a man. A cold weather becomes warm. Everything is changing including people’s attitude. You may be helping a beggar today but tomorrow you are shouting at your our co-worker. Nothing is the same in this world. The person you fall in love with will not be the same person when he/she wakes up the next morning because all the experiences he/she had today will affect his/her tomorrow.  You are not the same you from one hour ago because you read something here at EP and it somehow influenced you. So, never think that the person you fall in love with today will still be the same after three months. Something in us will constantly change.  Just as nature constantly change. When you learn to accept this fact, it will be easier for you to accept the other person and the situation.

Lastly, true love is not about others but about you. Ask yourself these: Have you ever been jealous? Have you ever been proud? Have you been envious? Have you become arrogant? Have you become insensitive? Have you become tempted? If you answered yes in any of these, then you just bought several ingredients to cook pain not love.  I love the Christian Bible’s definition of love in Corinthians. Whenever I want to check myself if what I feel is love or ego, I look up to those Corinthian verses.

Why Love Hurts

A facilitator once put a large white paper on the floor with handwritten curves lines (see photo). He then asked four people to stand on each side. “What do you see?” the facilitator asked. One participant said he could see an “M”. The second participant said she could see a “W”. The third participant said she could see an inverted number 3. The last participant said he could see number 3. Which of them is right? Which is wrong? 

Love is that curve on paper. The way you see it depends on which side of the paper you stand. On the side where you stand are your plants of experience, belief, faith, family upbringing and educational background which further affect your notion of love.  When you fall in love, you are oblivious to all these. That’s why some people define love as blind.  Then one day you would realize that you and the other person are not standing on the same side. You are seeing “M” while he/she is seeing “W”. Which of you are right? Which is wrong? If you always see love based on where you stand, the more you hurt yourself and the more you’ll never understand the other person. Love has truly blinded you.

When I was young, I love reading stories of Cinderella, Snow White and the Little Mermaid. I thought then that love is living happily ever after. After some heartaches, I realized that love is not a fairy tale. Of course, I realized that later on. Like most teens, I always thought that the day after the break up is the end of the world. So, I say and do all sorts of insensitive things to the guys, friends, family and even to myself. Only to find out that the end of the world was far from happening. I still woke up with mixed emotions of pain, hatred and loneliness.

So, how do we avoid pain? I’ll post next ….

The illusion of life

photo source

The pains that we feel is nothing but a product of our perception about life. When we were babies or young children, we feel life but have no concept of life. As we grow up, we start to form judgment because of what we observed and heard from our external environment. We start to judge things as bad and good, sad and happy, beautiful and ugly, man and woman, right and wrong. From judgment stems expectations. We expect ourselves to be the best in everything we do that we push ourselves to the limit. We expect people to love us unconditionally. Expectations are like cages and prisons; it limits us to know what life really  is. Have you tried standing on top of a mountain? Or sit on the sand and just stare on the sea before you? Isn't the creation so magnificent, so huge that we sometimes felt lacking of words to describe what is before us? That is life. It is something we cannot fully describe nor contain. For an astronomer or astronaut, earth is just a tiny planet, a speck of dust among the billions of stars, moons and planets in the galaxies. Similarly, our concept of life is just a minuscule of everything. So, whenever we feel pain, it is because we invited pain in our lives. It is not because of other people or situation. Life has given us the widest space so we can move out of our situation, to start again. So, don't live in a cage. Explore life!  

Complex human

This is so true. How many of us have forgotten that the essence of life is to live in  the present and not to worry too much about the past and the future? I mean, it is ok to think about the future and look back to your past. Our future and past guide us. But if we cling on them for too long and for too much, we become blinded how blessed are we in our "now". :)